I spent the last few days of my mother's life reading the Bible at her hospital bed side in a palliative care room. As if this was not heart wrenching enough, a battle ensued around me from a direction I did not expect. While at the hospital, her doctor informed me that my brother-who claimed to have a medical power of attorney- had ordered that she was not receive even the basic of her bodily needs-including intravenous fluids to keep her hydrated. Hence, she was not receiving any type of fluids to keep her from dehydrating.
My siblings and I had previously discussed and they had all-including my brother-agreed in advance that she would not be allowed to die in suffering though starvation, deprivation of fluids and etc. I assumed that some grave mistake had been made at the hospital. My brother had just confirmed via telephone prior to my arrival that these needs were being met. I demanded that the doctor contact him immediately.
The response from my brother was as shocking as it was horrific. He had indeed ordered the doctor to withhold fluids and had lied to me and my sisters-who all live far away from the hospital where my mother was staying. After the doctor contacted him, he proceeded to call my sisters and tell them I was torturing our mother by trying to force the doctors to put her on a ventilator. While I held her hand as she died of an imposed dehydration that I was powerless to stop, he refused to visit her, hurled hateful messages about me to my husband and left curses on my answering machine. He even went so far as to declare that I was "dead" to him. In reality, my mother-at that time-was breathing on her own and had no need for an artificial breathing device such as a ventilator. Sadly, not a single one of my three sisters called to ask if it was true. They just assumed that it was and one even joined in on the hate bash with my home answering machine.
After she passed, things didn't get any easier with my brother. Friends and family decided to gather at his house because he still lived close by in the hometown where we all grew up. He and his wife told me personally-more than once-not to come because I was not welcome in their home. I was left to suffer alone and without even a single family member that I could even spend the night with. To make matters worse, I later found out that he told my sisters and my husband that he had invited me but that I refused to show up.
He also insisted that her funeral services be changed to his specifications but wanted everyone else to pay for it-even though we could little afford it and the family as a whole had made other arrangements for her in advance. As a result, my mother still lies in unmarked grave, waiting for the day until I can afford to purchase her a headstone.
The threatening phone calls didn't stop after the funeral. They didn't stop until many months later when I changed and unlisted my home phone number. God calls us to forgive but he does not call us to be an object of continuous abuse. My father passed away when I was only seven years old. I lost not only my mother in September but the entire family from which I came and the pain seemed almost unbearable.
While nothing can quite compare to the drama I experienced surrounding my mother's death, every relationship in my life has since come under fire for some reason or another. It would almost be comical in its completeness if were not so sad. Through it all, I have become almost obsessive in trying to remain completely blameless through the eyes of God in my response to these situations. I have also kicked myself unmercifully every time I have failed in even the slightest way. I have felt like giving up on everything more than once.
Yesterday I agreed to meet my husband's parents at a mid-way point between our homes so that our children could visit for a few days. My husband's parents live a decent distance away and he was unable to go with me because of his work schedule. I had to make the long drive without him and it just so happens that the midway point is not too far from my hometown. When I was leaving out the door, my phone rang and it was an old high school friend. She had recently purchased a new home there and wanted me to stop by and see it. My initial thought was "absolutely not." However I eventually changed my mind because I missed and desperately wanted to see her. When would I get a chance to see her again? After all, I no longer had a reason to go home.
After dropping off my children with their grandparent's, I paid her a brief visit. I was bombarded with memories everywhere I turned. When I got there I found that her new house was in the exact same neighborhood where I grew up. On the way home I drove past the house my father built but found that it was now occupied by strangers. It was all I could do emotionally to make it home. The whole way I kept entertaining the idea of just packing up my family and moving far, far away to a place I have never seen and filled with complete strangers.
When I finally arrived home, I grabbed my ipod and went straight to bed with a deep ache in my heart-the desire for one person on earth to love me without end. I was half talking to God, half listening to old Christian contemporary hymns of comfort and well on my way to crying myself to sleep when God decided to answer. A song began to play through my headphones that I don't ever remember downloading. Prior to that moment, I was only vaguely aware of the fact that the song even existed. Yet, there it was on my ipod and it completely addressed my unconscious actions and the deepest areas of my heart. Needless to say, I woke up.
Today I found out that the name of the song is By Your Side and from the band Tenth Avenue North. To get a more full effect of God's response to me, I strongly encourage you to read the lyrics and listen to the song.
The lyrics are as follows.
By Your SideThe song is currently listed on the band's myspace page and can be played by clicking here.
Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run
And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life
(Chorus 2x)
Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go
(Chorus 2x)
I've also included a video I found on YouTube containing the song below.
If you have trouble viewing this video, click here.
